We often focus on signs we feel are worrying; problematic behaviors, and tendencies that could hurt us down the line. Red flags. But TikTok user Kayla Nichole thinks they can be misleading. So in order to broaden our perspective, Kayla has released a few videos, explaining how these red flags can actually be green. Of course, every situation is different but it can be so useful to challenge your thinking and try to look at things from another point of view.
A 2018 study found that 7 in 10 Americans (69 percent) form a first impression of somebody before they even speak. It takes them only 27 seconds, according to the research.
But dating coach Hayley Quinn thinks it often pays to be slow to judge the person you’re seeing. “The people who are the best match for you may also positively surprise you,” Quinn told Bored Panda. “So be open-minded about what your type is and be forgiving of small faux pas’ at the start of dating. If someone is 5 minutes late for your first date, it may not mean they don’t respect you! Keep your expectations realistic, and don’t expect someone to live up to a standard that you can’t maintain for yourself.”
Generally, we shouldn’t be looking for red flags going into a relationship too. It’s like asking for it to go wrong. “If you’ve been hurt in the past it can be easy to start living with a sixth sense of danger, however, relationships often do require a leap of faith,” Hayley Quinn explained.
Philosopher Slavoj Žižek would probably agree. He believes that when people fall in love, it is a violent experience. A state of emergency. Žižek points out that when you allow yourself to fall in love with someone, your life becomes largely dependant on that person. And the fear that they will mess it up can really frighten us. That’s precisely the reason, he argues, why the English and the French have this expression: to fall in love. You can’t fully commit to someone without letting go of control.
In one of his talks, the philosopher remembered a flight he was on where he was reading an airline journal and came across a text by some company, claiming that it will “enable you to find yourself in love without the fall.” But that’s like having a beer without alcohol, Žižek said. Like drinking coffee without caffeine. It’s not what it’s supposed to be.
“Remind yourself there’s a big difference between giving a reasonable degree of trust because you’re optimistic about your relationship, to being caught blindsided by someone’s behavior,” Quinn highlighted.
“When we’re first getting to know someone this can be particularly tricky, simply because we don’t know someone all that well, it leaves a lot of room to misinterpret their behaviors. Often the best policy is not to overthink about what their reasons are and just to identify whether you feel comfortable in the relationship or not.”
Since Kayla’s video blew up, she released a follow-up the next day
Quinn, who has given an amazing TED talk on love, sex, and dating, said that a lot of green flags aren’t immediately obvious. “As annoying as it is, it actually takes time to get to know someone new! Firstly, look out for consistency: you don’t want someone who you have a stellar date with one minute and who goes cold the next, look out for people who keep making an effort for you over a period of time,” the dating coach advised.
“Secondly, look at your communication, does it feel easy? A simple characteristic of a relationship that’s off to a good start is that things will just flow. Finally, what’s your gut saying? You should never have to try to convince yourself to like someone, nor should you expect fireworks every date, check-in with yourself to see if you feel comfortable around them.”
As with many things in life, take your time, trust your gut, and things will fall into place sooner or later.
Here’s what people said after watching the TikToks