A person doesn’t really come up with a memorable comeback because a perfect comeback is an art, which we need to learn from the artist. And what’s the better place to learn it from other than Reddit?
Well, someone has recently asked, “What’s the most memorable comeback you’ve heard in your life?” The response to this question is insanely awesome. You can scroll down to have a look.
Saw this one on a medical sub awhile back:
This woman has just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up.
The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there m lol”
Without missing a beat the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?!”
She was a legend on the floor for that lol
A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.
My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I’m getting annoyed. I know they’re not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please.
My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they’re dumb for the fourth time: “I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners.”
Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she went “don’t you have a pacemaker?”.
“Ladies, I like my vagina shaved”
“Then shave your vagina, Bill.”
My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn’t know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said “dude, why don’t you pull your pants up?” Pantsed guy said “I didn’t pull them down.” Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend’s pants back up.
Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say “pregnancy isn’t very becoming on you.” She replied “well, being a nosey rude b**ch isn’t becoming on you, but here we are.”
Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”.
My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, “Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don’t forget this”. My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, “Oh we won’t forget. We’re going to tell them to go get grandpa!” Haa haaa haaa…I love that gal.
My uncle to my husband. “When are you guys having a kid?”
My husband. “Please don’t ask me about my sex life with your niece”
My mom screaming at my brother that he’s a son of a b*tch, and him calmly saying back to her “yeah, I am.”
I overheard a toddler crying at the store. Mom, annoyed, said to him “stop crying! You sound like a little girl!”… sibling (girl) told mom: “He’s not crying like a little girl. He’s crying like a kid.”
I don’t care if it’s self-congratulatory, I’m proud of this one:
Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she’s doing the older sibling thing.
Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts.
Me: The corner doesn’t count.
Dad: *chokes whiles laughing*
Random guy: “Kiss my a*s!”
My mom: “If it looks anything like your face, forget it!”
My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying “ that’s because I actually have something worth protecting”
Someone asked a friend of mine if they were gay.
He said, “If you’ll excuse my rudeness in not answering your question, I’ll excuse your rudeness for asking it.”
I thought it was perfect.
My best friend was being made fun of by a (straight) dude for being a lesbian and having a girlfriend, and I (a very protective friend) looked him dead in the eyes and said, “At least she can get a girl.”
5th-grader on the playground, to a kindergartener: “Santa’s not real!”
Kindergartner to 5th grader: “Santa’s real, he brings me presents every year. If he doesnt bring you presents, maybe you should think about why.”
At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lip stick.” I f**king laughed and so did the guys buddies. He was so shook.
This one came from me. I was 7 months pregnant and HUGE. While heading to my car some random dude stopped me and rubbed my stomach while asking when I was due.
I rubbed his stomach and asked him when he was due.
My 3 year old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: I’m THREE!
Me: Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old??
Niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: Actually, I’m kind of new.
It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.
I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.
I used the line from the movie Iron Eagle once on a bully at school that actually seemed to help. Using the kids name when he shoved me against some lockers I said so everyone in the hallway could hear:
“What’s your problem, Rory? Can’t you get through a single day without proving what an as**ole you are?”
He stammered and shrugged and walked always and never really bothered me again.
I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry. He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about . But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said if you’re so smart then why the hell are we both doing the same job? He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterwards for having said it.
Regrettably, a secondhand telling. One of my favorite bars in Chicago (Galway Bay) has several Irish bartenders, and gets its fair share of tourists. At the earliest hint of an Irish accent, this particular tourist can’t resist… “I’ve been to Ireland. Amazing place. What part of Ireland are you from?”
Bartender – “I’m from (wherever), but I’ve moved around a bit”
Tourist – “My great grandfather was from (somewhere place unrelated to bartender’s hometown). He was a farrier. Do you know what a farrier is?”
B – “Aye, they shoe horses” [a bit agitated at the dull conversation]
T – “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
B – “Never shooed a horse, but I’ve told a donkey to f**k off once.”
I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother’s room.
Her response: “I would remind him that you can’t get HIV from your own hand”
For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common
I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack talking talents.
The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody’s legs. Mr Smack Talker spouted out the comment that “hair don’t grow on dead things.” All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.
Somewhere on this planet, there is a tree that has spent it’s entire life creating the oxygen you breathe. You should find that tree and apologize.
“Your mom’s a wh*re!”
“AND YOUR DAD’S A CUSTOMER!”
Funniest s**t I’ve ever heard.