My toddler, who was not previously accustomed to being awake after dark, just looked outside and screamed “where is the backyard?!”
— Mel (@Tweetsnwhatnot) November 10, 2021
My toddler dropped my phone while she was FaceTiming my mom, gasped, picked it back up, and asked, “grandma, are you ok???” It was the cutest-dumbest thing Ive ever seen.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) June 22, 2021
My son got his report card today and academically he did well but his teacher wrote a note specifying “ he needs to use kind words with friends “ . I asked him about it and he said “ My friends are dumb and they need to know “
— ⬆️⬆️⬇️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️🅱️🅰️ (@PurestInNoSense) March 24, 2018
I remember when I was younger I thought perish was a good word. I was praying with my family one night and I prayed that we would all perish. The silence that filled the room is unforgettable 😂🤣😭
— Gloriatunu (@Gloriatunu1) July 28, 2020
me: It has to be a letter
son: Oh. 9!
me *looks at wife* Are we cousins?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 2, 2018
Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 22, 2021
Just told my son they popping fireworks for my birthday and he believed me he said “they really love you daddy” 😂😂😭😭 kids so gullible
— Till Next Time Love’ (@CyphDadNextdoor) July 5, 2020
3yo: Mom, did you eat all the penis?
3yo: You like penis, mom???
Me: PEANUTS! Yes, I ate the peanuts.
3yo: You like penis.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 25, 2019
6-year-old: Do dragons fart fire?
Me: I don't know.
6: I thought you went to college.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2019
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) February 9, 2021
When my son was 4 he saw a commercial that said "brushing alone is not enough to prevent cavities and tooth decay" so he made us start brushing our teeth with him.
It's been 3 years.
Nobody tell him.
— Luciux Riker (@Luciuxness) August 17, 2020
5yo asked me to go find something downstairs. I couldn’t find it.
5yo: “I’ve got an idea. This time, go back downstairs and try your best”.
— Adam B. Hill, M.D. (@Adamhill1212) June 25, 2021
[How to lose at Hide-and-seek]
Me: [eyes closed] 1…2….3…..
4yo: [whispers] Daddy can I hide in your shirt?
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) March 24, 2020
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 16, 2018
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
— Nik (@jacaristar) August 25, 2018
3: Mommy, I don’t want dinner!!
Me: I’m not making dinner, I’m making you a big snack
3: Yay! Snacks!
𝗙𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝘀
— kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) October 1, 2020
*Opens bottle of bleach*
Nephew : How did you open it? I tried but it didn't open.
Me : Oh it's coz it has a child safety lock. Children can't open it.
*nephew looks at bottle in amazement*
Nephew : How did it know I was a child?
— Julz (@azedi) November 27, 2018
Toddler: Daddy I want toast.
Me: ok, buddy. Here’s some toast.
Toddler: I don’t like butter on my toast
Me: (flips toast over to the dry side and hands it back) There ya go.
Toddler: Thanks Daddy!
Toddlers are dumb. Take advantage of it while you can.#Dadlife
— TwinzerDad🌻🇺🇦 (@TwinzerDad) January 23, 2019
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.
— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) May 6, 2017
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) December 17, 2017
I woke up to 3 yo kid #4 petting my head. I asked what she needed and she said 'i wish i had a piece of you that i could carry with me all the time. like your finger.' Haven't slept soundly since.
— marie bourgeois (@mmbtox) January 28, 2018
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 5, 2020
(4yo daughter is crying her eyes out)
Me: "What's wrong, tutu?"
4yo (moving her hands on the sofa): "If my fingers were markers they would ruin the sofa!"
Me: "But your fingers…are not…markers?"
4yo (peak distress): "I said IF!"
— Tomer Ullman (@TomerUllman) July 31, 2020
Kids are the best, man. They get all shocked when you figure out they did something wrong like, “mom how’d you know I colored on the table?” Um, because you wrote your fucking name on it?
— Melissa Gutierrez (@Fiveoclockmommy) January 17, 2019
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
We cant find my 6 year olds glasses. Today we asked him where they are. He said and I quote “I threw them in the garbage yesterday, the lenses were dirty”.
$400 – see yeah! pic.twitter.com/TBsP3laC3p
— Jesse Modz (@jessemodz) January 2, 2020
My daughter just punched me so hard in the balls and won't apologise. She just said "Well I dunno", and walked off. Quarantine is going awesome.
— Taika Waititi (@TaikaWaititi) April 12, 2020
“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”
– my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) March 29, 2021
My son keeps grabbing fists of air and screaming ‘mine’. My daughter is crying saying Tj is stealing my air….they are in my bedroom, on a Saturday morning….😪😪😪
— MaMthombeni (@knowbuntu) July 7, 2018