We generally underestimate the intelligence and smartness of kids. But we forget that these little philosophers can surprise us now and again with their unique view of the world. It’s them who are curious, blunt, and sharp-tongued, and they often say things just how they are.
It turns out there’s a whole corner of Reddit named “Things My Kid Said” dedicated to precisely that. With 56.3k members, it is a place to share the weirdest, goofiest, cutest, and wittiest things our kiddos have said, and it’s nothing else but pure gold. Below we wrapped up some of the best posts from the subreddit, so grab yourself some coffee and enjoy!
Someone else’s kid explained trampolines to me
At the park with my own sprogs and noticed a lad of about four staring at me when I heard his mother begging him not to point at the ‘wheelchair lady’. He disregarded this and after a minute came up to me and asked, ‘You can’t use a trampoline, can you?’
I confirmed I could not. ‘OK,’ says he, ‘I’ll show you what happens,’ and did some star jumps for me.
5yo: Who is taking me to school today, you or Mummy?
Dad: Me today
5yo: Ohhhh, I wanted it to be Mummy
Dad: Why Mummy and not me?
5yo: Because Mummy looks so beautiful today, I want all the people in the street to see her and tell her she’s beautiful
The look on her face…priceless.
When my daughter was 4, she made my idiot mother-in-law drop her jaw to the floor on a couple of occasions.
Once when MIL was visiting, my daughter was drawing a picture of a girl.
MIL: That’s a very nice girl you’re drawing. Is that you?
Daughter: No, that’s another girl. She’s going to turn her boyfriend’s heart into a watermelon and he’s going to die.
MIL’s jaw hits the floor and she glares daggers at me, like I’m intentionally corrupting her granddaughter.
Other occasion. MIL is visiting and my daughter is pretend cooking in her kitchen play-set.
MIL: What are you making?
Daughter: Child soup.
MIL: (with a concerned look on her face) You mean soup made for children?
Daughter: No, soup made FROM children.
My daughter then proceeds to drop a plastic baby from her dollhouse into her plastic pot and stir it as MIL looks on in horror.
My 9 year old had an epiphany
Last year we got a puppy. We have 3 kids who were 6,7 and 9. Before getting the puppy we explained they will be responsible for most of his upkeep (within reason of course!) After 2 months of potty training and taking care of the puppy my 9 year old comes to me crying. He says “I don’t know if this will make sense to you, but I’m burnt out. He always follows me everywhere, even the bathroom! I can’t get a minute to myself! Then he doesn’t listen and he has to be watched every minute! I’m exhausted!” It was all I could do to keep a straight face.
You know how when they’re learning how to use a big kid cup, and you only fill it up halfway to sort of test the waters?
Yeah, no, he was not having that. My son was somewhere around 2 when I started teaching him how to use a cup with no lid. I would only fill the cup halfway, in case he didn’t have a good hold on it and dropped the cup, and so it wasn’t top heavy, you know the drill. He used to get MAD at me for not filling it up all the way to the top. “No mom, all the tops!”
It was cute, so it stuck, and whenever I wouldn’t fill drinks up enough he would demand that I fill them “all the tops.” But all the tops only ever came up when we were talking about drinks, maybe every few weeks if I had to guess. We never mentioned it for anything else. Only drinks.
Fast forward to 2 years later when he was 4, I was getting ready for work and I was about to leave. Same as every other day, I tell him I love him, he says it back. But I was feeling feisty that day and stared him down, raised an eyebrow and said, “but I love you more!”
And you guys, his face. He was SO OFFENDED. At first he looked mad, and snapped back and said that I can’t love him more cuz he loves ME more. And I said oh, yeah? Prove it. How much do you love me then?
So he looks me in the eye and says
“Mom, I love you all the tops.”
So now that’s our thing. Every day for the last year and a half. Before work, before school, before bed.
I love you mom!
I love you too, kiddo.
All the tops?
All the tops.
Almost 3yo woke up and yelled “I HAVE A RAINBOW P**IS!!”
First words out of his mouth yesterday. If he’s gay and this isn’t how he comes out I’ll be so disappointed
Me, singing to 6-month-old as I change him for the day: “Who’s got big fat thighs and a big fat belly?” 3-year-old, from his room: “You do, mom!”
Lectured For Staying Up Late
Right now it is almost 4am and I’m awake because the baby inside me is moving around violently (think I’m going into early labour or at least pre-labour) I’ve been on bed rest for a month and tonight I went a walkabout the house because my back has been killing me and my lower stomach feels a ton of bricks is sitting inside it.
So I was walking around the house and went down to the kitchen for a drink. I must have been too loud going down the stairs or in the fridge but my five year old came downstairs like a grumpy old man. His eyes were half shut and he was wearing slippers and his jammie bottoms. He looked at me and said.
“Mum. Get to bed. You’ll never get up in the morning and I’m not looking after Dad all day.”
Gender conversation with my sons.
5yr old: am I a boy or a girl?
Me: what do you want to be?
5yr old: a boy
Me: cool, you are a boy.
3yr old: I want to be chocolate.
Me: fine choice my friend. You are chocolate with some unfortunate cannibalistic tendencies.
How to get ice cream
Friend’s 4YO asking my hubby: Can Mary (my daughter) have an ice cream after rock climbing?
Friend’s 4YO asking his dad: Mary is having an ice cream after climbing. Can I have one too?
Oh god, I hope that’s not what he’s been using it for…
My 15mo occasionally has difficulty going to the bathroom, nothing serious, he’s just a big kid who poops like a mastodon and human-sized diapers don’t have a lot of room.
Anyway, his older brother (3.5yo) apparently saw him having some issues, and I hear him say “I’m here to help! Let’s get that poop out!”.
I look over and the oldest is standing over his younger brother, wearing his camouflage shirt, an orange Black and Decker hard-hat, and holding our manual citrus press in his hands.
For those who aren’t familiar with them, a citrus press is this handheld, hinged tool/press that lets you squeeze the juice out of lemons, limes, pretty much whatever else you can fit in it.
So, the little one (understandably) takes off down the hallway, as his older brother chases him yelling “Don’t go, I’m gonna help, we’re gonna squeeze it out fast!”, and trying to fit the press over the younger ones booty.
After a second to process, I give chase and say yet another in the long line of sentences I never thought I’d say, “Get away from your brothers butt and go put my juicer back right now!”.
At least it’s never dull…
One of my preschoolers came up to me one morning, and she said “I have to whisper something in your ear.” You can only imagine what I was thinking, but I got down and leaned in. She whispered, “I love you” and then shyly smiled. It was the cutest thing to happen to me as a teacher so far.
Yelled to me by my 3yo in the next room; “Jeeze, I have a bug bite… a BIG bite! A really big…oh…it’s just my nipple. It’s okay. Just my nipple, not a bug bite.”
Well, I’m not getting married when I’m a grown up.
The anniversary of my first date with my husband is coming up and our four year old overheard the conversation we were having about how many “anniversaries” are too many. (Obviously we celebrate our wedding anniversary, but do people actually celebrate other relationship milestones!?)
4 year old with a deadpan look: “Well, I’m not getting married when I’m a grown up. You don’t have to remember so much when you’ve just got cats.”
And that is when my four year old daughter decided to become a crazy old cat lady. Her father and I support her choice.
Busy day ahead of us…
My 4 yo daughter woke up this morning and said she has sooo much work to do today. I asked her what kind of work she had to do. She said she had to eat all her cookies she baked yesterday and pet the cats.
While enjoying a sweet bedtime moment, reading to my little almost 5 year old boy, he reached over and put his hand on my face. It warmed my heart. He pet my cheek softly and said to me “mom, your chin looks like a butt”.
I have an 11 day old baby and 15 year old son
15yo: are you feeling better today?
Me: no, still pretty miserable. I’ll be making dinner tonight though. Time to get back into my routine.
15yo: that’s not a good idea, if you feel miserable.
Me (thinking) aww, he doesn’t want me to over exert myself. Sweet.
15yo: because then dinner won’t be good.
Daughter asked how her brother was going to get out of my belly…..then chastised me.
She says “Mama how is the baby going to get out of your belly?”
Me: I push him out.
Her: GASPS MOMMY! It’s not nice to push anyone! He’s just a BABY!!”
I literally had to start writing these down!
Today 4 yo daughter wanted pigtails in her hair but when she wanted to ride her bike her helmet would not fit over them. She ran up to me and said “You have to take my pigtails out.”. I said “aww, but they are so cute.” And she answered “Mommy it is more important to be safe than cute!”
My daughter had something very interesting for dinner at her friends house.
I asked my daughter (4) what she had for dinner at her friends house. I already knew but wanted to talk to her about her time there. She says, “burgers and .. erm.. I don’t know what they are called.” I say, “erm.. chips?” She says, “no we had, when your knickers get stuck in your bum.”
Haha, Bless her, she had Burgers and wedges for dinner at her friends house.
Good out of the box thinking I thought.
Can’t deny my child’s first word anymore.
She’s only 7 months so I thought it was a bit early. But she’s said it multiple times, across multiple days, with clear intent and meaning.
Hubby even asked this evening “Did that child just say boob?” Well yes she did.
Doing homework with my 6 year old
Hope this will make you all laugh just as much as me.
Teaching my 6 year old to write and spell short words:
“Tim you have to make bigger spaces between your words. They’re all too close together.”
“Oh yes, because of coronavirus.”
I nearly fell off my chair.
You can still call me Baby when I’m an adult
I’ve always called my 4 year old twins babe, baby and babies. Like hollering for dinner, “I need all my babies to come here.” I used the term of endearment on a video call with my mom and she called me out on it. “They’re not really babies anymore, are they?”
My daughter now doesn’t like to be called baby but my son, on the other hand, he says, “Mom, when I’m an adult, you can still call me baby.”
You just won major points, kid.
My husband was in a car accident this evening on his way home from work. He is fine but the car isn’t drivable. We went to pick him up. When he got in the car, our 4 yr old immediately starts questioning him about what happened. Basically, cars were stopping and so was my husband, car behind him didn’t stop, hitting him and sending him into the car in front of him.
So my husband and I were talking while I was driving us home and I stopped at a red light.
4 yr old: “Dad, this is how you stop.”
Both of us started laughing so hard. I’m pregnant and almost peed myself.
I called my 3.5yo a silly goose…
… and she said “no, Mommy, YOU are a silly goose. I’m a silly GOSLING.”
We’ve been working on baby animal names. I’m so pleased.
Too many pens!!
Me: Please clean up all these pens on the floor.
3yo: But there’s too many to do without Jonah’s (5yo brother) help!
Me: How many pens are there? Can you bring them here so we can count them and see if it’s too many?
3yo: *picks up every pen off the ground and brings them too me.
3yo: See, it’s too many!!
Me: Oh yeah, so many! Better put them in the pen box!
Gotta love kid logic!!
Daughter (about 4) and I were playing in the garden..
..we’re playing around with dirt and leaves, and she tells me “Hey you’re my boss and I’m the worker, okay?” “Ok good idea.” “Phew, just moved more of those leaves for you boss.” “Ah good job um, ‘worker’!” She stops and looks at me like I’m utterly stupid “Mum, don’t be ridiculous. My name’s Kenneth.”
My 4 year old suddenly cried a few tears for a moment.
“It’s sparkly!” He then cried out grabbing at his foot.
Poor guy’s foot went to sleep.
At a restaurant, when my son was about 8, he came back from using the restroom and I asked, “Did you wash your hands?” He said, “No. It says only employees have to.”
My five year old learned about having crushes on people
This morning I am half awake, barely managing to make my coffee. As I’m standing there holding my cup, savoring my first sip in what I thought was silence while everyone slept, I hear a jarring Nelson from Simpsons like “HA HA!!” And turn around to see my daughter there watching me with a huge smile cracking up. She says…”you have a cruuush on your coooofffeee! Ooooh oooh” and scurried away absolutely delighted with herself.
You’re right kid, I do have a crush on my coffee. I do.
My Nephew low-key fat shamed my Dad
My nephew (4) absolutely loves his grandfather. He will walk into a room and completely ignore everyone else (even his mom!) if my dad is there. Note: he calls his grandpa “Daddy” bc his actual father is MIA, and since we call him Dad, he just does the same.
Last night, we we’re hanging out in the living room and my nephew says “I’m gonna be just like daddy when I grow up!” Super cute. “I can be a daddy, and have a phone” “And I can go to work” “And I’m gonna have boobs like my dad!” ….. dad says “I don’t have boobs son” Nephew replies “Yes you do! Just like mommy and Nonna!”
Good thing we were at home and not out in public
“Mum, when I die and come back in another life I want you to be my Mum again”
At 4 years old my son started to realize what death was and would get upset at the thought of me dying so I explained my beliefs on reincarnation (I’ve also explained when he grows up he’ll make his own choices on what he believes), now at 5 years old he said this to me. My heart melted on the spot.
Trying to get my twin girls to clean their room
Daughter 1 is quite a slob and doesn’t usually want to clean. Daughter 2 is a bit of a neat freak and usually gets mad that her sister won’t help clean their room. So the other day I told them to clean their room and braced for the coming argument but instead, I heard what I thought at first was the wisest thing Daughter 1 has ever said.
D1: Come help clean the room, you made the mess too!
D2: I cleaned up all my stuff, that’s all your stuff now. You can clean up your own stuff.
D1: But alone we can do so little, and together we can do so much!
Me thinking to myself…Hey, that’s a pretty mature thing for her to say…
D2: Ug… you can’t keep quoting Helen Keller everytime you want someone to do something for you!
Apparently they’ve been learning about her in school and one daughter has been missing the point of the lesson.
Maryland schools have been cancelled for two weeks (thanks, Covid-19) so I had to explain to my 4yo why she couldn’t go to preschool for a while.
Me- “People are getting sick and keeping people away from each other will stop the spread. Like when you get sick and sneeze on me, then I get sick.”
4yo- “I didn’t sneeze on anyone though.”
Me- “And the governor wants to keep it that way. So for now no school, you get to stay home while I go to work.”
4yo- “What if someone sneezes on you?”
Me- “Mommy works in a little office with a cubicle, I just gotta wash my hands and stay away from everyone else until they decide what the factories are doing.”
4yo- “I just want to stay away from people all the time.”
Same kid. Same.
“Chilly is the most tricky word because it means cold when it’s weather but hot when it’s food” – my 5yo